Eggs & Cheese Complete!

Completed the Eggs & Cheese Section, 22 recipes (see far right)

Here are a few pics of some of the recipes.  Eggs Benedict and the Vegetable Frittata were by far the family favorites.

Eggs Benedict

Vegetable Frittata

Eggs with Kielbasa

Quiche Lorraine

Chilies Rellenos Bake

Classic Cheese Soufflé

Broccoli on Pizza! You think I wouldn't NOTICE!

Chunky Vegetable Pizza with Cornmeal Crust

Spinach Phyllo Pie

           

Great little helpers!

Betty Crocker Cookbook Progress:  
336 recipes complete; 225 to go; 59.9% Complete

Wes's 2016 Reading Pie

Legend: Outer ring to Inner ring

1. Title
2. Page Count
3. Rating (5 is the best)
4. Genre
5. Format (not correlated to other rings)

75% Speculative Fiction

21% Non-Fiction

4% Thriller

• Finally got around to reading the Alcatraz books.  It turns out that Sanderson is a genius at silly as well--lots of fun.  
• Read Spiderwick to Scarlett and Desmond; although we haven't delivered on our promise to let them watch the movie as it still looks a bit too scary for even for Scarlett. Seems like these books should have targeted an older audience (4th grade maybe?) and been one book.
• King's 11.22.63 was something new, great read.  
• Loved my history reads this year; Franklin by Walter Isaacson, in particular was incredible.
• Siddhartha's The Gene took everything I had from biology and added to it.  Enjoyed how he wove cultural and religious background as context to the scientific developments.
• Really enjoyed Meyer's book The Chemist in a different field.
• Another genius installment from the Gentleman Bastards series; looking forward to more.
• Finished a couple of fantastic trilogies: The Reckoners and Chronicle of the Unhewn Throne
• Marie Kondo might have some sort of cleaning mental illness (my thought not hers) but I did learn a very satisfying way to fold towels and to get rid of things that don't make me happy.

While not 2014, still a good solid year.  I had an uptick in reading magazines in 2015 (not captured in my book charts).  In 2016, I used my new Bose headphones to watch a lot more TV shows.  This year was by far the biggest percentage of audiobooks partially due to working a lot; if not for reading to the kids and a couple ebooks on plane rides I might have been 100% audio.

A New Desk for a New Year

Wes has had a part time job this fall/winter as my woodworking man.

A couple of months ago, he made us a sofa table with the perfect dimensions to go behind our new sectional.  Here's a quick peek at that.

 It's been put to good use this Christmas holding our Harry Potter Village.

Here is a picture of what I've been working with for my desk/crafting/cricuting/primary lesson preparing space.  It was SO not cutting it.  It had such a small surface area and two tiny little drawers.  Papers were everywhere with no hope or room for organization.

Enter Wes.  Our first challenge was procuring the materials in a tiny Toyota Rav4.  Luckily, everyone made it home safely.

I found some plans on Pinterest that I gave Wes along with my own modifications.  He enlisted a good friend of ours to help out.  Thanks, Russells!  Wes and Aaron worked all day getting it put together and then Wes worked on it more sporadically for a few days after.

 Once, everything was finished, it was handed over to me for sanding, painting, and waxing.

Wes added these great cord hiding solutions, so that it has a cleaner look to it.

Voila!  I love it and it's so beautiful and functional! 

October: Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month - Year 2

I came to post this and realized that last year's was the last thing posted.  I need to post about more happy things in the next year!

It’s Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month again.  Some of you might be thinking, “Why is she still going on about this?  Isn’t it time to move on?”  I don’t know what the protocol is for moving on after a couple of 2^nd trimester miscarriages, but I can assure you, I have spent the last year and a half since my last one NOT moving on. 

My pregnancies are really hard.  I understand that all pregnancies have their challenges and I in no way want to trivialize any other woman’s pregnancy experience.  I just want to share the reality of mine.  I vomit…a lot.  Without Zofran I will vomit after any food or beverage consumption.  A 1/4^th cup of water?  30 minutes later I will be vomiting up that tiny bit of water along with every other drop of acid and bile in my stomach.  With Scarlett, when my “morning” sickness started, I lost 7 pounds in two days, I was so dehydrated I could barely swallow.  You haven’t lived until you eat an almond (because you read eating a few of those frequently will help stave off morning sickness) and then proceed a short while later to vomit up tiny masticated piece by tiny masticated piece which while traveling UP your throat scrapes all that tissue landing all over your tongue and sticking everywhere because you have no moisture in there to spit it out.  Then, that feeling only initiates your gag reflex more.  Even on Zofran, I still vomit a few times every morning and a few times every night until the third trimester.  When I come home from the hospital, I have two pairs of pants from my early twenties that I wear.  I call them my post baby jeans.  They’re 3 sizes smaller than my normal jeans.  That’s how much weight I lose being pregnant.  I also sleep…a lot.  I think maybe all of the vomiting just weakens me.  I don’t know.  I will sleep for hours and hours all day and night.  Or maybe my brain just shuts down because it can’t deal with the constant feeling of nausea.

It is because of these really hard pregnancies that for me to lose my babies in the 2^nd trimester is even more emotionally gut wrenching and painful.  I, literally, put my life on hold to be pregnant.  I can’t eat or stay awake or have any energy for my children.  I have no energy to laugh with them or reprimand them or encourage them or redirect them.  It is truly a huge sacrifice from me and my family for me to go through a pregnancy.  I could talk until I’m blue in the face and I don’t think some people would understand just how tapped out I get.  This last pregnancy, I went in at 17.5 weeks for a routine exam, found out there was no heartbeat, and immediately went to the hospital to be induced.  It took 24 hours for the baby and the placenta to come out.  Then, they kept me in for another full day to make sure that I didn’t get an infection.  The next day I woke up and I could feel the difference in my body.  I was devastated and cried nonstop, but I no longer felt sick and I no longer felt tired.  It was like not being pregnant anymore flipped a switch in my body.  I reach a point in every pregnancy where reality starts to warp and my hazed sick brain can’t make sense of things anymore.  I start to tell myself, “You’re lazy.  If you loved your family, you would get up and clean the house, make dinner, play with your kids.  You’re not tired because you’re throwing up and pregnant, you’re tired because you’re a bad mom and wife.”  It was a gift in a time of utter darkness to feel that physical transformation and know that it was not those things and it was in fact the toll pregnancy takes on my body.

I miscarried my first baby at 15.5 weeks in June of 2014.  The Dr told me to wait 3 months more, we did and got pregnant on the first try.  We eventually found out it was a girl and I miscarried this baby at 17.5 weeks in February of 2015.  That’s the short, unemotional version, at least.  This was it’s own set of events, but it started a whole new set of events in my life.  After this, I grieved, I cried until my eyes were puffy all day for weeks.  Then, I started focusing on what went wrong and how can I “fix” it.  That led to a LOT of brick walls, blood tests, genetic tests, and guessing.  Slowly, I started sleeping more.  I stopped enjoying spending time with my friends.  I stopped wanting to spend time with my children and my husband.  Wes coming home was a relief, because then I could go do what I had really been wanting to do all day, which was go sleep in my room and FINALLY be left alone.  It is extremely embarrassing and shameful sharing that with anyone other than Wes.  I went in November of 2015 for my gynecological visit that she asked me to do.  She asked what my plans were with more babies and birth control etc.  I was shaking and my teeth rattling as I tried to answer her.  I had no idea what I wanted to do.  I wanted more children, desperately, and I felt like I was a ticking biological clock time bomb.  I was also completely terrified to try again.  I was already so emotionally unstable, I couldn’t imagine what a pregnancy would do me.  I was already trying to escape my life.  She encouraged me to go on antidepressants, but I resisted.  I went a couple of weeks later to a follow up appointment with my infertility doctor.  He also asked about my plans.  It was the entire reason for the visit.  I, immediately, began the shivering and chattering teeth.  I started crying because I was so scared and overwhelmed.  He convinced me to try anti depressants.  I relented this time.  They helped, a lot.  After about 6 weeks on them, I was getting up in the morning and biking Scarlett to school again, cleaning house, enjoying spending time with friends, and most importantly enjoying my family again.  My pills ran out in August of this year and I didn’t want to go back and see my infertility doctor like he wanted me to, in order to do a follow up on how the meds were going and how I was feeling.  So, I stopped taking them.  Cold Turkey.  I didn’t think it would be a big deal—it was.  Headaches, muscle aches, tiredness.  A lot of the depression has come back again since going off them.

I was watching Dan in Real Life this week.  It’s one of my favorite movies of all time.  I love it.  I love that family.  I have always wanted a big family since I was a little girl.  Giving up on that dream is heart breaking and devastating.  I cried the whole way through it.  This isn’t a pretty story.  There’s no happy, wrapped up ending.  I struggle with the emotional, mental, and physical fallout of losing those two babies every day.  It has altered my personality and perspective forever, I’d guess.  I share this with all of you so you can get a glimpse into the mind of someone struggling with pregnancy loss and know how long reaching those effects are.  I am so grateful to Wes.  I, honestly, don’t know how he has put up with me some of these months…yes months of an absentee wife.  He is the best man I know.  If I had searched the world over, I could not have found the more perfect man.  My friends have also helped.  They’ve come over and spent time with me or invited me to their house or went to lunch or breakfast with me even when I know I was absolutely no fun.  I was sitting on their couch glassy eyed and detached, yet they kept inviting and kept loving me.  I share this so you know a way to help.  For me, it was needing people to just be there.  To know that me and my pain was noticed and mattered to someone else.  That was the best gift given to me during this time.  I also share this for everyone else who has experienced a miscarriage.  I hope you find some solace in knowing you are not alone in your pain.  I had many friends send me private messages and letters telling me of their own miscarriages after mine.  Those notes helped me a lot.  They helped me to feel less alone and less guilty. 

I love you all!  I am a truly lucky and blessed person for the people in my life.  I will keep up the good fight. I’ll keep trying to focus on joy, hope, love, and faith.

A Talk On Loss and Hope

Last May, I was asked to give a short 5 minute talk at the Stake Relief Society Meeting on hope.  This was less than three months after my second miscarriage and there was nothing else I could possibly talk about except for them.  I wanted to share the talk here with my friends and family.  I think about those two babies every day of my life.  I also think daily about whether or not there will be anymore living babies born into our family.  This isn't our whole story, but a little glimpse.  October is Infant and Pregnancy Loss Awareness Month, so it seemed fitting to share this now.

Hope is what led me to the missionaries 16 years ago and hope is what helped me know there was more to this life than I had known.  Hope has served me well in the years since.  Specifically, it has helped me much in the last year.  Early 2014, my husband and I learned we were expecting our 3^rd child.  We felt much excitement and joy over this new baby.  We waited out that first trimester before telling too many people.  Then, at 12 weeks when we saw the baby on ultrasound and saw it moving around and heard the healthy heartbeat, we felt excited to share such wonderful news with everyone.  At 15 ½ weeks, I woke up in the middle of the night bleeding and in extreme pain.  I left immediately by myself, leaving my husband and our two sleeping children behind for the ER.  He joined me later when my good friend, who is also my Visiting Teacher, came over to stay with our kids.  An hour later, I was no longer pregnant.  I had miscarried and with that, I felt a hopelessness and despair I had never before known.  I felt betrayed by my body.  

Friends, family, ward members rallied around us and I truly learned what people mean when they say they have drawn strength from other people’s prayers and love in times of trial.  Four months later, we found out we were pregnant again.  I was a little nervous, of course, but my doctors felt so sure it wouldn’t happen again, especially considering I had two healthy pregnancies and deliveries before.  I did a somewhat new first trimester blood test where they test just my blood and can tell me the gender and some health risks for the baby.  Everything came back looking good and we found out we were having a baby girl!  I had been really worried those first 15 weeks, but we had an ultrasound that was after the time of the last miscarriage and the baby girl was doing great!  Measuring the right size, strong heart beat! I was still nervous, but I was feeling better physically with the first trimester over and emotionally having passed that last miscarriage’s date. 

I went in for an appointment at 17 ½ weeks and they couldn’t find the heartbeat.  So, after waiting an agonizing 45 minutes, they moved me into the ultrasound room and pulled her up.  There was no heartbeat and no movement.  I had miscarried again.  At that moment, I felt so lost and confused.  How could this be happening again? 

After getting someone to watch my children and calling my husband at work to tell him and ask him to meet me, I went immediately to the hospital where they did many tests on me and withdrew amniotic fluid also to test before inducing me.  It was a much more physically exhausting experience than the last miscarriage.  It took over 24 hours before I delivered the baby and placenta.  After two days in the hospital, they sent me home.  I don’t remember much about those days except that I know I did a lot of soul searching and a lot of crying.

We still don’t know what is causing me to miscarry and there’s a chance we never will. Through this continuing trial, I have renewed my hope, though.  One of my favorite scriptures is 2 Nephi 2:25 “Adam fell that men might be; and men are, that they might have joy.”  I wasn’t feeling any joy at this time, but my hope was that I would again.  I knew that was God’s plan for me.  Not to have multiple late miscarriages, but to find a way to have joy in spite of them.  That scripture always makes me think of the Plan of Salvation, befittingly this plan is also known as the Plan of Happiness.  Following this plan, will always lead us to joy and happiness.  I know that if I hold up my end of the plan and endure to the end by reading my scriptures, praying, attending church and the temple, partaking of the sacrament, serving my family and others that God will lead me to joy and give me peace.  I don’t know if I’m going to be able to have any more children.  This is a trial I’m currently in the middle of.  Is our family here on Earth complete?  I don’t know the answer to that; I do know that my hope is not contingent on a particular answer to that question.  My hope lies in my Heavenly Father and that He will guide me and my family through this process, that He will give me strength to find joy in this life and in my family and finally, with peace.  I’ll leave you with one last favorite scripture that has helped soothe my soul through this trial and has given me hope that I will feel joy on the other side of it.  And maybe even find some joy during this time.  John 14:27 “Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.”